I was going to wait a long time to share my story, but for me this is a form of therapy and processing. Being a external processor I need to just get it all out in order to start my journey of healing. Healing. What does that even look like? You don’t ever get over losing a baby, right? You just figure out a way to get through it, but over it? At least for now I don’t see that ever happening. My story is a roller coaster of emotions and events. If you want to join me please do but feel free to just not even get on the ride if you don’t want too. I am breaking this story up in parts because a lot of things happened in a very short time period and since I am just a jumble of thoughts only God knows how this is going to turn out. FYI: If you’re a guy and don’t want to hear about “girl stuff” stop reading 🙂 Or if you are a queasy girl you can just stop too 🙂 I will try to keep it as non-graphic as possible.
May 31st started out as a normal day for us, We were just getting over 2-3 weeks of Hand Foot and Mouth Disease and FINALLY things were starting to get back to normal, as in we can FINALLY LEAVE OUR HOUSE! Hallejulah! That afternoon I was kinda feeling funny and noticing in the mirror as I was getting ready for church that I am definitely not swimsuit ready AKA: Meghan has developed a belly. I had finished my period a few days prior, which came on time was totally normal, you know the drill, problem was a couple days after my cycle ended I started bleeding again, just old blood but that is not normal for me in any way. So what do I do? Google. Of course all that comes up is ” You have a STD or Cancer” ohh that’s all? SWEET.
I called my mom to complain about me getting fat and about the weird stuff my body was doing. She asked if I was pregnant. Without hesitation I said NO WAY. I just had my period AND Justin had hand foot and mouth disease for 3 weeks, so let’s just say May was a pretty barren month for us 🙂 🙂 She suggested I maybe call a OB/GYN and just go in and see what’s going on, maybe all the stress of the month just had a toll on my body and I felt like I was going to start my period again. That night I was laying in bed and just thought maybe I should just take a test, of course it’s negative but at least it would be ruled out, but it’s going to be negative. How can a test be positive 4 days after your period and you haven’t had sex since? Unless I’m the new mother of the Savior, that’s all I can think of. Well, I’m pretty sure I breathed on it and it came back positive, it was THAT FAST.
You know the scene in the movie Juno when she get’s the positive test then sucks down all that OJ to pee more? Yeah, that was the scene at my house. 3 positive tests in a hour. It was a quarter to midnight and I was sitting on the bathroom floor unable to move. I wish I WISH I could say my first reaction was YAY A BABY! It wasn’t. We were done having kids. I had NO desire for more, we were done. Chapter closed and stapled shut. It was like the reset button on our life was just pressed. I cried, I cried for all selfish reasons. I walked into our bedroom where Justin was sound asleep and flipped on the lights. He startled and all I said was ” Well, I know why I have been feeling like crap lately!” and I threw the tests at him on the bed. After 3 kids the romance of pregnancy tests just isn’t there. You’re knocked up. yay!
We stared at them for what seemed like 5 hours. Our minds rewinding to how this could have happened. I called my mom, it was midnight. I didn’t care. She started laughing. I mean what else could you do in that moment. I was mad, not at her but mad that this little baby is going to disrupt our whole lives. I mean, my kids are out of diapers, sleeping through the night, buckling themselves in the car seats, basic needs they can do for themselves and now I just need to start over?
I tried to sleep but couldn’t, by 3am I was on the phone with my best friend in Pennsylvania. So shocked. It was then, that it clicked in my mind that I HAD a period, I have been bleeding. Something has to be wrong. I don’t bleed in pregnancy, I don’t even implantation bleed. I know every pregnancy is different but this was a 360 difference then my other 3. It was that phone call that I started to panic and it sunk in. Something isn’t right.
How quickly I went from NO more kids, I am not happy about this, to worried about the baby growing inside of me.
I didn’t sleep at all that night…
Part 2 coming next.