If you haven’t read part 1 you can read it here.
Monday morning was a crazy mad house, I had maybe slept 2 hours that night and was still processing the fact that I was pregnant but also very concerned that something just wasn’t right. I called a couple family members and shared the news and then a few friends to freak out on and get OB/GYN recommendations. The overwhelming response was the high recommendation to see a midwife that delivered only at the hospital in town. To me it was the best of both worlds, I could have the care of a midwife but also be at the hospital. I called that morning and made a appointment for Tuesday June 9th.
Monday is a blur to me, I was desperately trying to stay in limbo to not process anything either way, This pregnancy was just night and day different from my 3 I really had no idea what to think but those pregnancy hormones kicked in full gear and once I had the head knowledge that I was pregnant it was like my body kicked into gear. Nausea, exhaustion, emotions everything started happening, and my stomach! I started to think I was having twins, I looked like I was 4 months pregnant. That evening Olivia asked me if I was pregnant, She had overheard me talking on the phone and pieced everything together, the plan was not to tell the kids until we knew everything was okay for sure but I couldn’t lie to her. We sat the kids down and told them I was having a baby, they were SO excited. I was so excited for them but in my heart I was begging God that I would stay pregnant for them.
God wouldn’t let me be put in the position to break their hearts.
By Thursday I was not doing well physically, I was having massive back pain and just not feeling well, at one point I was curled up in a ball on the couch while Justin was rubbing my lower back and bringing me heating pads, warm water bottles anything to make the pain a little bit better. I looked at him and said ” I’m losing the baby, this is not normal”
I started to feel guilty and I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I didn’t want to be pregnant and now something isn’t right. Did I do this?
Friday. Not a great day every time I walked I was in pain, I took a warm bath that afternoon to try and alleviate some of the discomfort. I got out of the tub, wrapped myself in a towel and opened the bathroom door. Piper was sitting on my bed playing with her dolls and asked me a question when all of the sudden her eyes got bigger then her face and she screamed MOMMMY YOU’RE BLEEDING!!!
I looked down and it was like someone had dumped a cup of blood between my legs. I told her I was okay and shut the door. I started freaking out. It was like someone took all the air out of my bathroom, I was panicking, I gave myself 30 seconds to FREAK OUT and then pulled myself together, I needed to remain calm for my kids and clean this up I had NO idea what to do. I was miscarrying, I was sure of it. I was cleaning when my phone rang, it was a local dear friend of mine. I wasn’t going to answer it but something just made me. She knew right away I wasn’t okay. She said I was on her heart and wanted to call and touch base with me. God is Good.She lovingly insisted I call my midwife and get in right away and asked me to drop my kids off at her house so that’s what I did. I took the kids to her house, picked up Justin from work and we went to the clinic.
We were seen right away, we walked down the hall past all the photos of bulging baby bellies, newborns and pictures of placentas. I didn’t notice that one but Justin was disturbed and it gave us a much needed giggle once we got into the office. The midwife came in and I told her what was going on, she assured me that bleeding was normal for pregnancy. I was sitting there thinking ” this is not a couple of droplets lady, this is 2 weeks of nonstop blood plus the gusher this afternoon” She decided to do a abdominal ultrasound and I knew right away nothing was in my uterus. I was 6 weeks pregnant, there should be something to see, She did about a 30 second ultrasound and was done. She gave me a rhogam shot to be safe and took my blood to see where my HCG Level was. She told me she thought it was a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, but ASSURED me that ectopic’s are very rare and not to worry, I would get the blood results Monday.
You can only imagine what my weekend was like. I cried for most of it, and didn’t really even want to get out of bed. It was apparent to me I was losing the baby. We made the decision to tell the kids that the baby had gone to heaven. Olivia is a internal processor so she just kinda sat there, Piper started balling her eyes out. That was so so unbelievably hard for us. I was angry this was happening to us. Piper asked if we could name the baby, she had been coming up with baby names all week for me. I had that fleeting moment when we told her she could pick the name that we would end up with a kid named Elsa but she chose the name
Rain was a name I had always loved, I had a strong sense from the beginning it was a girl so it seemed like a good fitting name. I started calling her Harper from the get go as well, it just came to me and was a overwhelmingly strong sense as well. So we named her Harper Rain or as we call her “Baby Rain”. Having a name for her I feel HUGELY helped our kids process what was happening. We watched videos of developing babies in the womb and I showed them what Baby Rain looked like. They agreed she looked more like a seahorse then a baby but it helped. I answered every question I could on why Jesus would want babies to die to when are we having another baby? All good questions. We weren’t going to tell anyone what was happening, only a handful of close friends and family knew and we figured that was enough, this isn’t the sort of thing you proclaim to the world, at least that’s the stigma attached to miscarriage but a sweet friend who has lost several babies told me that it doesn’t matter if I was pregnant for 30 seconds, 30 days or 30 weeks. A life is a life and it deserves to be celebrated and shared. It made so much sense to me, she was right. Our baby deserves to be celebrated. We decided to share it with the rest of the family what was going on with us, and I am so glad we shared it with the world.
Monday June 8th finally came, I had come to grips over the miscarriage and was definitely in the grieving process, I walked into the office and my midwife was standing in the lobby amongst a few other pregnant women and threw her hands in the air and happily exclaimed “MEGHAN, I HAVE SUCH AMAZING NEWS FOR YOU, YOUR LEVELS WERE HIIIGHHH, I THINK YOU ARE STILL PREGNANT!!!!!”
I think I just stared at her like a idiot for about 30 seconds just trying to compute what she just told me.WAIT A SECOND she told me I was miscarrying, that nothing was there. I saw it myself. I was so confused. I walked past the placenta pictures thinking
God had just given me a miracle!!
I asked for a ultrasound because a few days had gone by, I would be 6 weeks 2 days, sometimes a day or 2 is all a baby needs to develop enough to see something and you can definitely see something at 6 weeks. She said she wouldn’t be doing one, I just needed to do another blood draw to compare the Friday draw to the Monday one. I asked what my Friday level was she said 512.
Okay, I’m no Doctor but my levels should be WAY higher than 512 by 6 weeks. Your HCG pregnancy hormone is supposed to double every 3 days. I should be in THE THOUSANDS! I said “That’s it?” She said ” you probably aren’t as far along as you think you are honey.” I looked at her probably like I wanted to punch her and said ” I know exactly when I got pregnant. I am 6 weeks and 2 days.” She just ignored me and told me I should start taking my prenatal vitamins. If looks could kill people, if looks could kill.
I was livid. How DARE THEY!!!!!!! Here I have been a weeping mess for 4 days grieving this baby I didn’t even want, now I want her but now it’s dead but ohh it’s probably still alive. She had no proof other than a blood level. I got my hopes up, what else are you supposed to do in that situation? I really tried not to, but here the midwife I am entrusting with knowledge and wisdom is throwing me a baby shower in the lobby practically but really has no evidence to prove any of that yet. You wanna talk about a emotional rollercoaster?
I just bought the season pass to Six Flags..