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I walked into my room to get prepped for surgery, I changed into my gown and waited on the bed. I was uncontrollably shaking, I was so nervous about surgery. I swear my nurse was my angel she was absolutely amazing and calmed every fear I had. She brought me a warm blanket, which I will say is the absolute best part of a hospital, I LOVE those blankets.
She blew my vein trying to get a IV going, I was dehydrated. It was nearing 5 o’clock and I had not had any water or food since 11am. She tried my other hand and that blew as well. My arms seriously looked like I was on drugs with all the lab work I had been getting over the last week. A super hot ER doctor walked in and I made a joke after he left that he can operate on me anytime. I was trying to lighten the mood in the room and myself, it worked everyone was laughing including me.
The anesthesiologist came into the room to tell me everything she was going to be doing, I was getting more and more nervous, hearing all the things that could go wrong, if I had a living will was making me shake even more. Then she told me they would be putting a tube down my throat and I looked at Justin and said ” I don’t think I can do this” She looked me square in the eyes and said
“If you don’t do this you will die, so which option is better the tube or a FUNERAL.”
I felt like a 4-year-old being scolded but it was true, she needed to be assertive with me. I said “The tube” and she continued. Everything was happening to so fast. Before I knew it they were wheeling me to Surgery. I had a friend with me in the ER and our pastor was on his way to sit with Justin, it was my one request to Justin that he not be alone in the waiting room. Our pastor didn’t even hesitate he was there to wait with him, I was so thankful. Justin was able to walk me to the double doors. I felt like I was in a movie. I kissed him goodbye, we told each other our I love you’s I told him to tell the kids I love them and off I went. I was being wheeled down the hall with the orderly and a couple of nurses and a song came into my head. It was Francesca Battestelli’s song “Holy Spirit” I know God gave me that song at the perfect time, the words could not have been more relevant for that moment.
“Holy Spirit, you are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere, your glory God is what our hearts long for, to be overcome by your presence Lord.”
I just sang it in my head over and over and over and over. They wheeled me into the operating room. I saw my name on a big white board with the names of the doctors and nurses. The operation wouldn’t take more than 30-45 minutes once they get in. Operating rooms are cold and not very relaxing. I was moved to the OR bed and was laying on a freezing cold gel pad. I just looked up at the biggest brightest lights I had ever seen. Seriously, I felt like a patient in Grey’s Anatomy and I even said that. My Doctor walked in all scrubbed up and said ” I can be your McDreamy for the next hour if you want.” I started laughing as he put on his scrub hat and said “It’s a great day to save lives.” I was trying to relax. They got everything situated and he came and sat down next to my face and told me what they were going to be doing. I would be having laparoscopic surgery. They would make 3 cuts one on my belly button and one on each side near my ovaries they would put a scope through the belly button incision and see where the ectopic pregnancy was and try to save my tube if not I would have it removed and cauterised. He said they were now going to give me something to just make me relaxed, I wouldn’t fall asleep yet. He grabbed my hand and told me I would be okay. He said is there anything you need before you go to sleep. I just said “make sure you keep me alive so I can get home to my babies.” He said ” Yes Ma’am” and that’s the last thing I remember. I fell asleep singing ” Holy Spirit you are welcome here” looking at the bright lights above me.
Next thing I remember is seeing a clock with the time 7:10. I couldn’t remember what time I went into surgery (it turns out I left Justin at 5:55) Everything was foggy and my throat felt weird. All the sudden I hear “Meghan” I realized someone was holding my hand, I turned and it was my Doctor. He was sitting waiting for me to wake up, he wanted to make sure I knew he kept his promise. He said that everything went perfect, at least as perfect as something could go in this situation. My left tube was rupturing and it was unable to be saved so they had to remove it all. I just said “okay.” and he went to go see Justin.
I rested for a few more minutes, they wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to start throwing up. Apparently, I am the nicest person coming out of anesthesia I just kept saying “thank you” over and over and over. I was really thankful and all my pain was gone. They took me into my recovery bay where Justin, my friend and my pastor were waiting. I don’t remember everything after that, I was still coming out of the fog but I called my mom and my best friend in Pennsylvania. I was able to go right home but I waited a good hour before I was pretty much cognitive to leave.
Justin said the Doctor showed him a picture of my tube, I was pretty jealous actually. I really wanted to see it. Hopefully next week at my follow-up I can. The Doctor told him it was like someone put a tennis ball in a baby sock that was creating holes everywhere, basically a few more hours and it would have been REALLY REALLY BAD.
By 9:30 I was home, My kids had no idea where I had been so I told them. I was so happy to hug them and see them. My 3 beautiful blessings. I just wanted to lay with them all night. It was all over, just like that. In 4 hours from start to finish the events of the last 2 weeks were concluded. I went back to sleep clutching my now small tummy.
It’s now been 6 days since my surgery. We have been overwhelmed with love from people. Prayers, meals, visits form friends. It’s been an incredible experience.
God’s people have proven themselves to be friends that stick closer than brothers. I have been so encouraged by the love shown to me by people who I have never met, or hardly know, and I have felt first-hand how effective the prayers of the saints are.
Physically I have bounced back really quick. I am pretty much back to normal in that area, everything is healing nice. I may not even have scars, although I want them. A permanent reminder of Harper Rain. Emotionally I am a roller coaster still. It just hits unexpectedly. I can’t listen to worship music yet, it sends me into hysterics and being alone was once a VERY welcomed thing and now I dread it. I fall apart, so busyness is welcome right now, but I fear my mom leaving me in 6 days when life comes back to normal and reality revisits. Grieving is not easy, I want to grieve but I also want to be strong. One thing is for certain. God cared for us. God knew well before we did about the short life of Harper Rain, He knew I would need my mom and he provided her the day I needed her, he knew I needed an assertive demanding doctor but one that also cared for my heart and listened to me. He provided nurses who calmed me and a team who took loving care of Harper as they took her out of my body along with my left tube. God was there in that room with me. I felt his presence so clearly as I went to sleep and he has been with me every day since. In the shower as I cry and lay on the bathroom floor unable to move and when I am having a good moment with my family. His peace has been there and is the one thing I am leaning upon. You never get over losing a child, I have witnessed this as friends who miscarried decades ago have sat on my couch this week sharing their stories with tears down their faces. You never get over it, you just get through it. I don’t know why this happened to me. It’s a question I have that may never get answered, all I know is I was Harper’s mommy and God choose me for 6 weeks and 4 days to care for her. I find comfort in knowing she only knows the perfect love of Christ. Jesus was the first thing her tiny little eyes saw and I also find comfort that with Jesus she is with my Papa and there is no better place for her to be then in their arms.
As far as the future holds. We don’t know. I now have a 45% chance of having another baby a 35% chance we will never get pregnant again and a 20% chance of another ectopic pregnancy. I still have my left ovary but when I ovulate on that side it will just absorb. What a weird thought to go from never having to try more than once to get pregnant to the one who is going to have to try to ever have a baby again. If we want to, right now we aren’t really thinking about it either way.
My hope is that one day my story may help someone, you are not alone. It is a crazy scary ride but know that whatever the outcome. I am here and ultimately so is God. Our precious babies are waiting for us, this is just a temporary absence, I find much comfort in knowing that one day I will see her again.
There are 3 things I want to end on that I feel are very important for everyone reading this to know.
1. You are your own advocate. You have to take care of yourself, you have to get second opinions and ask questions. If you don’t like an answer go to another Doctor, you may step on toes but you need to do it, I know that it probably saved my life.
2. I still LOVE midwives. I had a really bad experience with one, I needed an obstetrician. This is what OB’s went to school to do to take care of the small percentage of women who have life or death situations like myself. I have always been thankful for modern science even if I lean towards natural living more. It’s here for a reason. I had no reason to go to a OBGYN I had 3 normal healthy pregnancies that wouldn’t need the care of a OB but in this case I did need it. I love midwives! 99% of midwives are amazing, she dropped the ball. OB’s also drop the ball. Do not label or paint all midwives with a broad bad brush please!
3. Don’t walk on eggshells with me. Every woman processes loss differently I want to hear about your pregnancies I want to rub your belly to hold your baby, ohh gosh am I screaming inside to hold a baby! I am NOT going to hate you, to be jealous or devastated that you are pregnant and not me. I have been beautifully blessed with 3 kids. I know the excitement you feel about the life inside of you. Celebrate it and I want to celebrate with you! I know what it’s like to be the pinata of someone’s pain of not having a child it is not pleasant so know PLEASE I want to share in your celebration’s!
Thank you for all your love and encouragement and for joining me on this journey. Life is a blessing!